It is no huge secret that lesbians and homos are known for not cohabiting well.  They have a long standing history of disharmony.  This is weird when you think about it.  You would assume that the two groups would bond over their shared discrimination and hardships, but that’s just not the case.  I like to akin it to the very real and ongoing discord between vampires and werewolves.  Clearly the homos are the sleek and sexy vampires and the lesbians are the bigger and hairier werewolves in this scenario.

You would think that these two groups would coexist peacefully and share their stories of angry mobs chasing them through the streets after they’ve devoured a human, but instead these two factions just never seem to get along.  And here is the reason why.  Other than the shared adversity, they don’t really have much in common.  Vampires are all about sex, passion, and sucking blood; where werewolves are more about getting down and dirty, you know, really sinking their faces into the human flesh.  Lesbians and homos are much the same way.  Yes, we both share a common enemy . . . breeders, but other than that what are we going to talk about?  If I’m talking to a straight girl than we can both talk about penis and all the things you can do with one.  If I’m talking to a straight man we can both talk about our respective penises and all the things we can do with them.  Maybe we’ll even bump each other a picture of our penises via our iPhones.  I’m just saying, there are topics of conversation available.  Lesbians, on the other hand, don’t know the joys of a penis (no matter how much they may want one of their very own) and I don’t know all the many cavernous details of the vagina.  In order for me to relate at all to lesbian sex talk, I have to rely on the only sense memories I have that are comparable; fly fishing.

Not to mention that lesbian sex and homo sex are two totally different beasts.  I imagine lesbian sex to be much like the game of Monopoly; you play for a ridiculously long time then finally give up before anybody actually wins.  Whereas homo sex is like that old game Mouse Trap; fuck playing the actual game, we’re just going to set off the trap, capture the mouse as quickly as we can, reset the pieces, and then do it all over again.  But I digress.  As I learned from being publicly lectured once by my friend’s mother, “It’s not all about sex, Tarl.”